Why is it so hard to write a love letter?
I’ve been married for a long time, 17 years, and I’ll confess that while my wife and I treat each other lovingly, and say and text each other nice things, that it’s also been a long time since I tried to express my love in the classic “love letter” format.
A long time ago, before the Internet, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, I wrote my share of love letters. Long distance relationships and potential relationships call for that kind of communication and courtship. With my love now living in my home, I don’t have to exercise these muscles as strenuously.
So, here is my attempt to convey my feelings of love and passion and devotion to you, sweet barleywine.
Dear Barleywine, Damn, yo fine! Back that sweet ass up over here girl! Sincerely, Kilgore
OK, so it needs work.
Maybe if I spell out the reasons for my heartfelt emotion towards this product, this attempt will come a bit more naturally.
Do you even know what barleywine is?
I didn’t until fairly recently. Well, it turns out, that it’s not wine at all. It’s called that because of the high alcohol content. And much like the nerds in “Office Space,” looking up “money laundering” in the dictionary, it’s a bit saddening that I have to look up barleywine before I write my ode to it. Barleywine is a type of strong ale, brewed from barley, natch, and then called “barleywine” to identify an ABV percentage akin to wine, ranging from 8-12% generally speaking.
Let’s focus here.
High alcohol content.
We know that’s going into the love letter. Let me take another swing at this.
Dear Barleywine, Damn, yo fine! Back that sweet ass up over here girl! You got that high alcohol content that sets me a spinnin! You put dizzy in my heart, girl! Sincerely, Kilgore
I think we’re getting closer.
This particular barleywine, like so many recently enjoyed brewed products, is brought to you by the Buried Acorn Brewing brewpub and tap room. Their particular elixir is known as “Sticky Lips.” I think we know that that’s going in the love letter!
ITBMCBB*, the Sticky Lips is described as possessing “Centennial, Cascade, and Lemondrop hops. Toffee, Caramel… BOOOOOOOZE! Dry and Tasty!”
This is a rare scenario where I can say I maybe, almost, taste toffee and caramel. I can tell you that, like Sade, this drink is brown and smooth and easy on the palate.
I will give the Prose-inator a crack at this thing as well.
“This beer tastes like what it would taste like if a
made love to a
in the middle of a
and then together raised a baby with their shared feelings of
and, finally, that baby cried
into a frosty pint glass.”
Now, maybe the kicker to this thing is that despite being smooth and luxurious, that the Sticky Lips barleywine has a fantastic 13% ABV (and a 60 IBU, for reference). Which means that it’s a high octane sumbitch. It’s served in a 12 oz glass, which is fine, because I think a couple of tall pours of this nectar and you’d be Uber-ring your own ass home.
And lest you think that all barleywines are created equal, I attempted to drink a more mainstream brewery’s barleywine that was 10% ABV and available as part of a Wegman’s “Craft Your Own Six Pack” and I was barely able to finish it. It was nothing like this Smooth Operator (double bonus Sade reference points).
At this point, I feel like I finally have enough details to finish my love letter. Attempt #3:
Dear Barleywine, Damn, yo fine! Back that sweet ass up over here girl! You got that high alcohol content that sets me a spinnin! You put dizzy in my heart, girl! You been 'round since the 18th century and how am I just finding you? Aw, that don't matter none, just come by my way and sing me some of those sweet dulcet tones you got and we'll have ourselves a good time! I'm gonna kiss them sticky ass lips! Sincerely, Kilgore PS Bring money
That is romantic AF, right there.