Taking Advantage of Quarantine Beer Shipping Policies

The unexpected benefit of being quarantined and not being able to visit tap rooms is that breweries are empowered, by desperation and by the relaxing of strict rules against it, to deliver and ship beer. Even as some states have relaxed guidelines to allow us to visit and drink in certain situations, the ever-persistent pandemic has us drinking most of our beer at home. 

Early on I ordered either pick-up, delivery, or whatever I could get from local breweries to try to support them as they struggled. My locals make great beer, so this is not particularly onerous. Most recently I picked up two very interesting beers from the Alementary in Hackensack, NJ called Sweet Summa’ Child, and #Staycation. Sweet Summa’ is a ‘hot, honey wheat ale’. Honey, Cayenne, citrus, meant as an ode to summer cuisine. Amazing. #Staycation is a gose, slightly tart, with pineapple, coconut and ginger. The ginger really makes this next level, as it lends some spiciness but also a warming sweetness too. Couple that with the tart, and the fruit, and I’m starting to wonder if eight was enough.

There are other breweries out there of course, ones in a larger radius from my home that I either like to visit, or would like to visit when I have the time. Now that it’s somewhat irresponsible to just hang out in public with others, I’ve been taking advantage of delivery or shipping options. Most recently, Magnify Brewing in Fairfield, NJ. Fairfield is not far from me, in fact I used to work there, but it’s outside my usual routine and requires a special trip, but you better believe that when they started offering beers for delivery, I jumped. I’ve been a fan of Magnify since inception, I visited their brewery within a few weeks of opening, met the owner and both his parents, and enjoyed the first beers they produced. 

Magnify makes a lot of beer, especially a lot of New England IPA, and they do a good job of it. Specifically, they’re one of the breweries that are, and this is as of yet unverified by me, nailing the ‘fruited gose’ style. Fruited beers, due to the unfermented sugar in the can and therefore the potential for that can to ferment, create CO2, and explode, are the latest hot button issue in the craft beer world, if you don’t count the ongoing failure of the Brewers Association to adequately address racism, which is absolutely a thing that is happening, but also one I don’t feel fully versed in discussing, but still wanted to mention. 

Fruited Gose. Is it a good idea for breweries to sell a product that you HAVE to keep refrigerated or it will explode? That’s the debate. A lot of it comes down to how you think about beer–is it a fresh produce type thing, like milk, where the consumer is expected to keep it cold, be aware of it’s expiration, and take responsibility for that? Or is this a beer too far, and breweries should absolutely not be selling dangerous exploding cans to potentially un-aware consumers? I have some thoughts, but I’d like to taste one of these beers first, which brings me back to Magnify.

Coming today, to my house, is a shipment of Magnify beers that includes Pastry Proof, a variation of their Trade Proof series, because you can’t trade a beer that’s going to explode in an unrefrigerated USPS truck. Pastry Proof is a heavily fruited smoothie style Gose inspired by berry pancakes. Conditioned on blueberry, blackberry, boysenberry and maple syrup. Thick and fruit forward. Roll the can before cracking! Interesting. I mean, who can argue with that? That sounds delicious. I’ll let you know. 

New York is much better than New Jersey with the ordering beer for shipping. Luckily, my parents still live in New York and will happily, though I can’t say I gave them a choice, accept beer deliveries for me, as I did with a shipment from Plan Bee earlier this year. Recently, I was alerted to the fact that Threes Brewing, a great brewery in Brooklyn that typically has other locals on tap when you visit and was the host for at least one BeerGraphs meetup, would also ship other brewery beers along with theirs on their site. This was all I needed to hear, and I quickly ordered their Short Fuse, and Oak Aged Smoked Helles, their Thought Experiment, their Dare to Know, and then Greenpoint’s Please Stand By, Folksbier, who I’d never tried but wanted to, Cucumber Lime Glow Up (this is a pickle beer. I repeat, this beer tastes like pickles), and Wild East’s Temperance. 

Thanks to quarantine I’ve gotten to try a lot of breweries and beers that I would’ve had to put extra effort into getting to otherwise, so I guess you could call this a silver lining. Hopefully testing ramps up, vaccines and treatments emerge, and we can all hoist a pint in person with our favorite breweries and people soon, but until then, appreciate the less-local breweries that will ship you amazing beer, and encourage them to keep doing it. 

 Ceetar can be found on Twitter and Untappd where he’s finishing off a bottle of Japanese whiskey. You can also email him at beer@ceetar.com.

Beer Review:  Vanilla Bean Darkened Cherry Chai

This my weekly column of beer reviews. I try to give you a good taste of what’s out there and why I think it’s worth trying. This week I’m looking at the Glimpse of the Ocean beer from the new brewery in New Bern, NC. While the beer is a bit on the small side, it is a solid brew and well worth a try. I’m always excited to try new beers and so it was no surprise when Glimpse of the Ocean was one of the first beers to come through my door. When the beer arrived it was a bit of a surprise that the bottle was one-half of a double IPA. I’m not a huge fan of IPA’s but I do appreciate a good one so

 

Beer Name:Alchol
ABV 7.20
Style: American Brown Ale
Appearance: 3.5
Aroma: 4
Palate: 4
Taste: 4
Overall: 4
Reviewer: DinahZAP
Review: Had a beer in a 3-ring bier glass. It was a dark brown color with a white head. It was VERY heavy and solid. Even though the beer contained about 2/3 of a pint. The head was almost a foot thick. The beer was almost falling apart. Most of the dank-ness in the nose was not detectable. There was so much stooppence to the smell I couldn’t smell it. The beer was creamy and smooth. I could feel the core of the beer as the brew became more solid and the head got thicker. The beer had a light taste to it. Overall, the beer was light but not off-putting. I would definately drink it again.

 

Beer Name:War of the Worlds
ABV 10.00
Style: American Double / Imperial IPA
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 4
Taste: 4
Overall: 4
Reviewer: Ithaca
Review: Wow! This was a really great beer. The beer is light in color, with a fairly large, fluffy, white head. This has a nice, sweet aroma of sour grapefruit. Even better, the ale feels a little bit like a sweet caramelly ales. The hop bitterness is quite pronounced with plenty of plum and grapefruit. This is a really good beer

 

Beer Name:Bitter & Twisted
ABV 8.00
Style: Belgian IPA
Appearance: 5
Aroma: 5
Palate: 5
Taste: 5
Overall: 5
Reviewer: Aromatic
Review: This is the second beer I really enjoyed from a beer company. I saw a few bottles in the Cantillon shop, so I figured I’d pop a few of these out after this. This is the first beer that I’ve tried that doesn’t qualify as a buttload of hops. The funky nose and flavor are not that impressive, but it’s got a lot going on. The spices and citrus juice notes with the hint of hoppy character are still quite present. The body is a bit thin, but it is well blended. Very pleasant and tasty.

 


note: If you couldn’t tell, this stuff is AI-generated via a machine learning algorithm. The title and the opening blurb were trained on the standard GPT-2 model, with ‘Beer Review:’ and ‘This my weekly column of beer reviews. ‘ given as prompts. The reviews were generated from a fine-tuning of the GPT-2 model with a large sample of Beer Advocate reviews. I selected from the saved samples of these and put this post together. I have not yet figured out how to train an algorithm to generate me beer photos.

Beer Review:  Northern Lights Miller Light Edge

This my weekly column of beer reviews. We are currently reviewing 14 beers in this column, ranging from Pilsner to IPA. These beers are all American-style ales, meaning they are brewed with American hops. We are not going to be reviewing an imperial stout, an imperial stout made with coffee, a wild ale, a lager, or a stout with coffee, because, well, they all suck. Instead, we are reviewing American-style ales, as that is what we like. These beers are generally easy drinking, easy to brew, easy to enjoy. The list is not exhaustive, but rather a starting point.
This week, we have a very strong one for you: Anheuser Busch

 

Beer Name:Aberdeen Porter
ABV 7.80
Style: American Porter
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4.5
Palate: 4
Taste: 4.5
Overall: 4
Reviewer: hellzmack
Review: This is the beer I drink when there’s a beer….gives a pictures

 

Beer Name:N’Ice Chouffe
ABV 5.00
Style: Belgian Strong Dark Ale
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 3.5
Taste: 4
Overall: 4
Reviewer: TheMaestro
Review: This beer was definitely better than this, I had no idea this was a strong ale. I poured it in a Louis Vuitton tumbler glass (which was a good idea) and poured into a tulip glass (which was a bad idea). I was surprised that this beer featured such a cloudy nature. It was so dark that you could taste the alcohol but didn’t really know what it was.

 

Beer Name:Brewer’s Reserve Bourbon Barrel Barleywine
ABV 11.50
Style: Barleywine
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 3.5
Taste: 3
Overall: 3
Reviewer: Scotsman
Review: Got a big fat (but not very large) bottle and poured into a tumbler at a community meeting. Pours a dark pale with a big bevy of carbonation. Smells good, lots of bourbon, some banana and a light bit of dark

 


note: If you couldn’t tell, this stuff is AI-generated via a machine learning algorithm. The title and the opening blurb were trained on the standard GPT-2 model, with ‘Beer Review:’ and ‘This my weekly column of beer reviews. ‘ given as prompts. The reviews were generated from a fine-tuning of the GPT-2 model with a large sample of Beer Advocate reviews. I selected from the saved samples of these and put this post together. I have not yet figured out how to train an algorithm to generate me beer photos.

Beer Review:  Ortega Sulfur (Chocolate)

This my weekly column of beer reviews. If you are a beer geek, you will enjoy this column. If you are a beer snob, you will be in a state of confusion. If you are just a beer drinker, you may not understand what I am talking about. You can read about my review of the new Dogfish Head Sixty-Niner here .

Beer Name:Budweiser
ABV 4.70
Style: Saison
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 3
Palate: 3
Taste: 3
Overall: 4
Reviewer: RedWidow
Review: 12 oz bomber poured into a tulip. Pours a hazy yellow. Smells fish

 

Beer Name:Gouden Carolus Churchyard Porter
ABV 7.00
Style: German Porter
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 4
Taste: 4
Overall: 4
Reviewer: hooligan0478
Review: 12 oz bottle into a large New Belgium longneck glass. It pours a hazy copper, with a mocha head. The nose is dry, and hoppy. A little bit of a vanilla nose. There is a bit of a burnt toast taste to the coffee right from the start. The smoke is more of a nutty flavor, and not something that is something I would call a coffee flavor. It doesn’t have a great mouthfeel. The finish is dry, burning and a bit too much. This is a solid beer to sit alone in a glass. It is worth a try.

 

Beer Name:Swedish Nettle
ABV 4.70
Style: Session Beer
Appearance: 3
Aroma: 2.5
Palate: 3
Taste: 3.5
Overall: 3.5
Reviewer: rsraoney
Review: This beer looks like a Belgian lager. First off, the color is red, poison green, and has a large head. The head is nice, but the beer is split with a nice white lace, and the head is very tiny. The aroma is grainy and grassy with little nuttiness and light floral notes. The taste is sweet and malty, with a small, but large amount of grainy aftertaste. The mouthfeel is smooth, but the beer is thin and watery. Overall, this is a bad beer.

 

 


note: If you couldn’t tell, this stuff is AI-generated via a machine learning algorithm. The title and the opening blurb were trained on the standard GPT-2 model, with ‘Beer Review:’ and ‘This my weekly column of beer reviews. ‘ given as prompts. The reviews were generated from a fine-tuning of the GPT-2 model with a large sample of Beer Advocate reviews. I selected from the saved samples of these and put this post together. I have not yet figured out how to train an algorithm to generate me beer photos.

Beer Review:  The ADK Ales by Kinetik

This my weekly column of beer reviews. You may have seen the little red flag above. That is the flag of an upcoming review. This week, I’m reviewing a beer that I’ve had several times, but never reviewed. The beer is My Favorite Thing From The Beer Store (MFTT). My Favorite Thing From The Beer Store is a 5.5% Belgian Strong Dark Ale brewed by Goose Island. It’s a very different beer than the beer I’ve reviewed previously, but a good one. I’ll do my best to give it the full review treatment.

 

Beer Name:Union Farm Pale Ale
ABV 5.20
Style: American Pale Ale (APA)
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4.5
Palate: 4
Taste: 4
Overall: 4
Reviewer: BeerAdvocate
Review: 18oz brown bottle with a black label that has a picture of “Your Friend” underneath it all the time. Pours a nice amber with some carbonation. Lacing is good on this one. Smells a bit like a funky farm-beer. There’s some malty aroma but also some fruit like a spiced ginger ale. This flossy hop profile is there but not dominating. A bit of spice and zestyness are present

 

Beer Name:Let’s Get It!
ABV 12.00
Style: American Psycho
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 3.5
Taste: 3.5
Overall: 4
Reviewer: Haddock
Review: You can tell this was the same beer that I had last night. I couldnt get any head on this beer, and I couldn’t get any lacing anywhere. The beer looks like a NON-tasted (at least from the bottle I had) beer, the head was somewhat thin and watery and only stuck around a little longer. The aroma was a definite hint of drugs, which I would expect from a strong beer that I had never had before. The taste was a bit oily, but also very sweet. The alcohol and the sweet beer really stopped me from enjoying it. The alcohol was noticable as I went down, and I could feel it. I like my beers to be a little on the watery side, but this one wasn’t much different compared to a sample bottle. The beer was a bit thin and much watery, and I don’t have a problem with it. I would recommend it to you guys however, I really enjoyed it, but I don’t know if you guys would enjoy it either.

 

Beer Name:Verche
ABV 5.00
Style: Belgian Strong Dark Ale
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 3.5
Taste: 3
Overall: 3
Reviewer: Permafrost
Review: Pours a cloudy mahogany with no head, no lace. What little head there is is a little much, with some bubbly bubbles. The nose is strong and fruity

 

 


note: If you couldn’t tell, this stuff is AI-generated. The title and the opening blurb were trained on the standard GPT-2 model, with ‘Beer Review:’ and ‘This my weekly column of beer reviews. ‘ given as prompts. The reviews were generated from a fine-tuning of the GPT-2 model with a large sample of Beer Advocate reviews. I selected from the saved samples of these and put this post together. I have not yet figured out how to train an algorithm to generate me beer photos.

Beer Review:  F2X – The Canadian Muscle

This my weekly column of beer reviews. I’m excited to share some of my favorite beer with you, and to talk about the things that matter. It’s a reflection of my personal thoughts on the things that matter.
This week’s review: MASSIVE HOPS
So what does it say about me that I’d choose to drink a beer made with giant hops? That’s the big question I’m trying to answer with this beer. MASSIVE HOPS is a Golden Ale brewed by Bell’s Brewery.

 

Beer Name:Hofbräu Munich Kriek
ABV 4.50
Style: Munich Helles Lager
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 4.5
Taste: 4.5
Overall: 4
Reviewer: stokebeer
Review: A: Clear, straw gold with a thin, foamy white head. Good lacing. S: Mosaic and malty, with spice and malt in the background. Some dryness as well. T: Spice and malt take the lead at first. Thigh hot taste is followed by an over-the-top malted malt flavor. Light body and a dry finish follow. M: Medium-thick body, dry finish with a crisp, floral finish despite the massive malted flavor. D: This is a very refreshing, tasty, and drinkable lager. Overall a good example of the style.

 

Beer Name:Lac Du Bay Beer
ABV 5.00
Style: American Brown Ale
Appearance: 4.5
Aroma: 4.5
Palate: 4
Taste: 4
Overall: 4
Reviewer: xylophonica
Review: The beer is a deep brown color with a massive frothy white head. The nose is of caramel malt and grassy hops. The taste is of caramel malt and grassy hops. The rest of the beer is really tasty. This is a coffee brown ale. I know the flavor of the coffee beans would be a lot better, but it doesn’t have to be.

 

Beer Name:Buffalo Bill’s Pumpkin Ale
ABV 5.30
Style: Pumpkin Ale
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 4
Taste: 4.5
Overall: 4
Reviewer: Muddles
Review: The head is huge, but manageable. The head is thin but pours very slowly, and even has a big, lingering look. I really like the bottle, especially since I can always drink the whole bottle. The foam is nice and thick and stays with the beer. The beer is a very crisp beer, not too spicy and not too thin. I do not think I’ll ever have a problem with this beer.

 


note: If you couldn’t tell, this stuff is AI-generated. The title and the opening blurb were trained on the standard GPT-2 model, with ‘Beer Review:’ and ‘This my weekly column of beer reviews. ‘ given as prompts. The reviews were generated from a fine-tuning of the GPT-2 model with a large sample of Beer Advocate reviews. I selected from the saved samples of these and put this post together. I have not yet figured out how to train an algorithm to generate me beer photos.

Beer Review:  Heavenly Belly’s Cooler!

This my weekly column of beer reviews. I’ll be reviewing different beers in this column each week, so make sure you tune in. This week, I’ll be reviewing one of the most interesting beers to come out of the Belgian beer scene in recent memory. Today I’m reviewing La Folie from La Folie Brewing . La Folie was brewed with peaches and is made in conjunction with an online game called Monopoly. This beer was featured in a 2011 issue of The Craft Beer Cellar Magazine and you can read more about it here .

 

Beer Name:Black Fire Ale
ABV 7.50
Style: English Barleywine
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4.5
Palate: 4.5
Taste: 4.5
Overall: 5
Reviewer: Gavage
Review: The head is a nice light brown color, it has a nice retention and relatively thick, but clean looking ring that lasts through the glass. No lacing, and a nice amount of foam. Dry sweet beer, malty, with a sugary finish. This is pretty darn tasty.

 

Beer Name:Herberholz Spalt
ABV 7.00
Style: American Saison
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 4
Taste: 4
Overall: 4
Reviewer: dyan
Review: It pours a hazy golden that tops with a nice thick layer of white head that clings to the glass like a few friends. The nose is big and sweet like the taste. It almost tastes like a Hersbrupp brew that is freshly made. There is a sweetness and a touch of alcohol towards the end. The mouthfeel is smooth and the beer is very tasty. This is a very drinkable beer.

 

Beer Name:The Bruery Triple IPA
ABV 11.00
Style: American Double / Imperial IPA
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 4
Taste: 4
Overall: 4
Reviewer: Necrotic
Review: Poured from a 12oz. brown bottle into a tulip. Commonly known as the Triple IPA, but this one’s a bit more obscure than a typical Double. Pours a hazy gold with a thick, white, white head that expels to a nice film of foam that rivals any beer head that’s ever been seen. The nose has a hint of caramel, hops and some citrus. The taste is pretty much as advertised. Bit more citrus and the alcohol is quite evident in the aftertaste. Mouthfeel is medium (hybrid) with a little bit of a bitter aftertaste. The Triple IPA is a decent beer, certainly worth seeking out. This is a solid great beer, and I’d love to see some good offerings around in the year ahead.

 


note: If you couldn’t tell, this stuff is AI-generated. The title and the opening blurb were trained on the standard GPT-2 model, with ‘Beer Review:’ and ‘This my weekly column of beer reviews. ‘ given as prompts. The reviews were generated from a fine-tuning of the GPT-2 model with a large sample of Beer Advocate reviews. I selected from the saved samples of these and put this post together. I have not yet figured out how to train an algorithm to generate me beer photos.

Beer Review:  Mugwort Finley w/ 1 oz.

This my weekly column of beer reviews. My objective is to try and find the beers that I like, in order to write a review. I will use the new BeerAdvocate database to do the legwork. I will also use the ratings on BeerAdvocate to help me out, because I like being able to look at all of the beers that are being reviewed at once. To help me in this endeavor, I will try to get a lot of reviews of different beers. I will also look at the ratings of the breweries involved in the beer, and try to understand their rationale for putting out what they do.

 

Beer Name:George Dicke’s IPA
ABV 5.50
Style: American IPA
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 4
Taste: 4.5
Overall: 4
Reviewer: ejorub
Review: 750 ml barrel, poured into a snifter. Poured a hazy light straw with a one finger head that dissipates to a thin ring. Good lace. Nose is malty with roasted malt and malty sweetness. Taste is malty and peachy, but not much aftertaste, but definitely enjoyable. This is one I will need to revisit next time I try it!

 

Beer Name:Einstein Pils
ABV 5.20
Style: German Pilsener
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 4
Taste: 4
Overall: 4
Reviewer: Redrover
Review: This beer pours a hazy, hazy gold. The head was enormous, and it left a spotty stream of white foam. The nose was strong and flavorful. Fresh lady kolsch, with a note of fruitiness and spice from the hops. The taste was very flavorful and well balanced. The hops were just so nicely integrated in the malt that they were not a nuisance. There was just a nice balance that made this a very tasty beer.

 

Beer Name:Achiel’s Pils
ABV 7.50
Style: German Pilsener
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 3
Palate: 3.5
Taste: 3.5
Overall: 3
Reviewer: smdsgroove
Review: On tap in a local pub. A – Poured a nice straw color with a nice white head that left a pretty thick lace. S – The smell was almost like a watery place. Sorta like a high ABV. T – The taste was a little bit on the lighter side. It was pretty watery and was a bit thin. This didn’t actually make me want to drink a whole pint of this. M – This one was very watered down. The carbonation was pretty low. D – Drinkability was very good and this was the first beer I had had. This beer is difficult to find in New Jersey, but I’m sure there are plenty of others.

 


note: If you couldn’t tell, this stuff is AI-generated. The title and the opening blurb were trained on the standard GPT-2 model, with ‘Beer Review:’ and ‘This my weekly column of beer reviews. ‘ given as prompts. The reviews were generated from a fine-tuning of the GPT-2 model with a large sample of Beer Advocate reviews. I selected from the saved samples of these and put this post together. I have not yet figured out how to train an algorithm to generate me beer photos.

 

Beer Review:  Barnes & Noble’s Three Barrel Beer:  “The Future of Beer”

This my weekly column of beer reviews. Every Friday, I’ll be reviewing a new beer from a brewery that I am aware of, but I haven’t yet reviewed. I’ll be reviewing a “side project” beer from a brewery I am not familiar with. I’ll also be taking a look at a beer from a brewery I am quite familiar with, but which I am not reviewing yet. I will be looking at the beer from the perspective of someone who has never had it before, and in doing so, will hopefully give you a better idea of the beer and the brewery, as well as perhaps giving you some new information that you didn’t know before. To start off, I’ll be reviewing a beer from Ale Syndicate.

 

Beer Name:Arizona Redwood Lager
ABV 5.90
Style: Lager
Appearance: 3
Aroma: 3
Palate: 3
Taste: 3
Overall: 3
Reviewer: jlindros
Review: Had this at an in-patient brewpub for a trip, and could have easily wrong-drank it. I’m glad I had to try it. A: Very dark behind a very murky, partially opaque straw colored brew. A small mainly head spilled a good bit of foam. The head was quite amusing. S: There was a bready malt scent, but I didn’t really get that. There was a mild roasted malt smell.

 

Beer Name:Alka Meche
ABV 11.00
Style: Belgian Strong Pale Ale
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 4
Palate: 4
Taste: 4
Overall: 4
Reviewer: andytook
Review: 12oz. in the Alka Meche tap at the Stouty Grille in Westboro, MA. Poured in a tulip glass. Pours a nice dark mahogany with a slight cloudy hue. Smells pretty awesome. I’ve always had this beer in my fridge, but never had a chance to try it. It just looks really great in the glass. Taste is perfect too. It has a great taste. The initial taste is spicy and fruity. Its right at the forefront in this beer. Any other flavor takes a back seat as the alcohol warms. A bit less on the hoppy side, but still nice. Drinkable.

 

Beer Name:Bitter and Twisted
ABV 10.00
Style: Witbier
Appearance: 4
Aroma: 3
Palate: 3.5
Taste: 2
Overall: 2
Reviewer: NattyBlack
Review: Well I was hoping this beer was a Belgian, but I was shocked to find it was a carbonation light witbier. The alcohol is well hidden and I had to break it up with the hops. What a mess. The beer is about 5% abv and I’m not used to the abv. What the hell, I like it.

 

 


note: If you couldn’t tell, this stuff is AI-generated. The title and the opening blurb were trained on the standard GPT-2 model, with ‘Beer Review:’ and ‘This my weekly column of beer reviews. ‘ given as prompts. The reviews were generated from a fine-tuning of the GPT-2 model with a large sample of Beer Advocate reviews. I selected from the saved samples of these and put this post together. I have not yet figured out how to train an algorithm to generate me beer photos.

What Have We Learned? (Spoiler: Belgian Beers are Fucking Gross!)

Well, so far, 2020 has been a real punch to the anus.

Not gonna sugar coat it.  Barley Prose isn’t exempt, either, as we’ve managed just four sad posts for the entire calendar year to date.  On behalf of the entire team, I’m sorry we haven’t generated more witty and urbane commentary to help you with the anal-punch-osity of 2020.

While I’ve been doing my part as a local beer consumer, buying growlers from all of my favorite local joints to keep them in the black best I can, cracking open big jugs of beer and not having anyone to share them with does take some of the fun out of it.

So what’s the thing that finally gets my juices flowing?  Enough to write a blog post?

It’s this.  I’ve learned something important this year. As Ralphie said, “Oh, rarely had the words poured from my penny pencil with such feverish fluidity.”

Belgian beer is fucking disgusting.

I like a wide variety of beers.  I’ve written about them here in many columns.  I enjoy stouts, and porters, and sour beers, and New England IPAs, and, really, any IPA.  Brown and red ales too.  I’m partial to just about everything except beers that taste like the beer I used to drink in the 1980s and 1990s to get drunk, before I was making any effort to find delicious beer to drink.

And in my time drinking with the intent of writing content for this fine site, I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and tried a lot of new, different things.  And so I can say, authoritatively, that Belgium must be the saddest, off-spiced, nasty place in the world, if it can be judged based on the beers it produces.

Today’s representative offering is the Victory Brewery’s “Golden Monkey” Belgian tripel ale.  Tripel being, I assume, the Belgian word for “run through a homeless man’s shoe and/or a dead hooker’s asshole.”

I bought a variety pack of beers from Victory this past week and all of the other beer varieties in the pack were of a type I’ve been known to drink and enjoy. There were three each of a sour beer, a low calorie IPA, a regular IPA and a hazy style NE IPA. And three of these Golden Monkey beers, which might actually be apple juice that was anally raped and left in an alley to die a justifiably painful expiration.  I figured, well, at 9.5% ABV, I’ll at least give one a go.

Note that this beer, ITBMCBB*, has been infused with “exotic spice from the East.” Oh, good. I was hoping my beer would taste like a tuna casserole! How many warm summer nights did I crack open a cold one and think, “oh, man, this thing could use some fucking cardamom!” Oh, wait, that’s never happened, sorry. Only a jerk would think that.

Look, I’m not saying that all Belgian beers are as gross as this one. My co-bloggers may (and have) come to the defense of this style beer in a more general sense. I’ve had Stella Artois beers before, and Duvels, at least, and one or two others that I added to a Wegmans’ “Craft Your Own Six Pack.” And I can’t recall a single time that I thought it tasted better than any IPA I might have otherwise grabbed nearby.

So, to sum up, the next time you find yourself in Antwerp, and you have a thirst to quench, I’d suggest you give the bidet a try.